Friday, September 6, 2013

Merlin, You Fucking Magician

Ah, crank of the more creative pastimes of the trouble maker. Along with a select few of my friends (you know who you are), I spent hours upon hours harassing poor innocent victims, trying to come up with new and innovative ways of wreaking this particular havoc. The three-way party line. Collect calls from pay phones. Reverse crank calls (where someone accidentally dialed my number and I played along with their situation). 

Once I heard Longmont Potion Castle, I pretty much gave up. I can't imagine ever living up to such genius (though, on occasion, the bug still bites and I have to try something just to see if I've still got it).

This is a strange poem a wrote a while back in honor of my most prolific crank call era (circa '92 to '97, give or take). Most are from my own calls, but a few select ones were borrowed from others' calls. Hopefully those who will recognize these snippets will read this...if not, you'd better sleep with one eye open, 'cause I know where you live!


a telephonic assault of vocal terrorism on
unsuspecting, yet not always innocent, victims

mom! pick up the phone!
oh god, where are you?
at the bus stop,

not sure which one
beat me up and
took my shoes

i'm the guy
with the smurf doll
and a carrot

dangling from my head
bisexual--you didn't know?
let's meet at blockbuster

i'm outside in the
big red truck with the
no fear sticker

un burrito de cabeza,
ochenta tacos con crema,
y dos choco tacos

we're coming by to
exterminate the rabbits
i don't wanna kill the wabbit

poison me, i kill you!
sir, we cannot serve
poison noodles

kinko's on h street
out of transparencies
can you hold please?

no, I called you
who called me?
how the hell are we here?

this is a cambodian
refugee contest, you win
first prize--a new child!

i don't understand--
you're saying my son
ordered a boy?

to claim your prize
come to our office
dance naked with skeleton

meet me at balboa park
the big fucking tree
bring the diamonds

it's christmas,
call me monday
when i'm sober